Dancing is my tool of escaping reality into a world that is filled with over flowing emotions and inner beauty. I dance because it lets me express my feelings, whether it’s pain, sorrow, anger, or happiness. When I’m performing, people don’t see me as Julie, they see a whole new person. A given chance to being someone else other than myself. When I perform on stage, dance allows me to be who ever I choose to be. I’m in “character” and my goal is to manipulating people in believing that it’s real. A person is born with natural abilities to dance, whether he or she decides to be great in it is their choice of passion. Dance is a passion I’ve adopted in high school from a group called Marching Band and Colorguard. They taught me about performance and dance, which I followed for a great 3 years of high school. I must admit, dancing at first was a huge intimidation and learning to dance was a great struggle. It’s like learning to walk, a basic skill. But now it’s like breathing, a way to survive. Practice makes better they always say, so what do you do when you fall out of a pirouette? You fall to get back up and you better do it again until it becomes your second nature. From that, I auditioned for my school’s dance company called IndepenDANCE which was the highlight of my high school career.  Dancing was my pride, it gave me respect amongst my peers and it helped me better myself. Being a part of a dance company was a whole new experience that won’t be forgotten. I thought of IndepenDANCE as a great opportunity to grow and sought many great doorways to success. What keeps me begging for more is the excitement and adrenaline of being on stage, with a house filled with an audience that paid to see the work of art that has been created, it truly is such an awarding exhiliration. IDance co. taught me hardwork, commitment, and group working skills that I’m lucky to have. Often after a hard days worth of dancing, my muscles would ache or tear but the sweat, pain, and tears would only pushed me further knowing that I worked to my fullest ability and that’s all everyone could ask of me. Dance is my choice of drug. I need it to keep sane, without it, I wouldn’t know what else to cope my overwhelming thoughts and difficulties. Being able to dance gives me that extra boost of confidence and I wear that confidence on my sleeve, but not to boast.

Are you guys back on?! The answer is No. We are just close friends, there’s nothing wrong/strange to keep a friendship going after a relationship. I know what I want and he knows well to respect that. Both of us had decided to keep our friendship alive, but even I started thinking that we’ve outdone ourselves by hanging out a little toooo much. Is it a mistake?? could be… and it’s obvious, I’ve missed his company just as much as he missed mine. He’ll be there for me when I need him most and I’ll be there for him in return.

I’m speechless when the question “Where did I go wrong?” appears. It’s saddens me because I don’t know how to answer it. It’s true that he had cater to my every needs, been the shoulder that I’ve cried on, made me laugh, smile, and has been a loyal best friend. I question myself that it could be because were in ____________, because he knows me too well and I was too comfortable around him. The routine was being played over and over. “I’m sorry that I didn’t have the ability to give you what you always wanted, and that was to return the same feelings you had for me.” I know, he’s not completely capable to let go at this time, but never have I doubted that he was strong enough to set aside his feelings to be my best friend. 

Do you think the friendship that I share with M is a bad idea?

Your typical love story is when guy meets girl and girl meets guy and something sparks and they fall in love. It shouldn’t have to be forced, it should be something real. What’s the fucking point of getting married when you’re not in love?! You basically set yourself up for a fucking sad life and later on you’re just gunna make everyone in your life sad and miserable because that’s the fucking feeling you’ll be getting yourself. FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO… AM I NOT CLEAR ENOUGH.. DO I NEED TO SAY IT IN ALL DIFFERENT LANGUAGES SO YOU’LL GET IT?!?!?!?! I couldn’t believe how I sat there and ate my dinner and you were babbling on about my future plans and how everything will supposedly fall into place, how much easier things will be for me, how I’m helping and how you’re so fucking excited! WELL YIPPPIE! SUCK MY FUCKING PUSSY, I’M SO ANGRY! I kept looking at my dad and he’s on my side.. partly. He apoligized for putting me through this, and when he said that I just wanted to ball my eyes out. How can you deal with this when your Grandma wants you to do it too. THEY JUST DONT UNDERSTAND! HOW HARD LIFE WILL BE FOR ME! Going through this WILL make me the saddest girl in the entire world. It’s not worth it, I know it’s not. But the sad thing is, I know my mom wants me to do it sooo badly. But she doesn’t understand how young I am and how much more to life I want to live. This will ruin it! I’ll be worth nothing.. COMPLETELY NOTHING!I FEEL SO PRESSURED. It just makes me angrier because everyone notice that I’ve been acting completely different for a few weeks now and they fucking ask me why…  WELL THINK ABOUT THE FUCKING PROBLEM YOU PUT ON ME! Oh it’s your decision. .  blah blah blah BULLSHIT. It’s like you’re not even gunna let me make my own decisions. I’m a fucking adult in a month and by far this was/is the hardest decision I had/have to make and I’VE CAME TO A CONCLUSION ALREADYY!! I SAID NO. Let me live my life the way I want to. Please.. and you ask me why I’m sad, why I’m smoking, why I’m partying. It’s to get away from my problems just for the night, it might be lame but how else am I gunna stay fucking sane. I hate my life.

So I woke up this morning and I was still drowsy from the Nyquil I took last night but I forced myself to look good for work. Running late as I was, I ran and stogged at the same time. I know I’m retarded but it gets me up!! So when I got to work, my heart pounding from the adrenaline and I guess I was already lightheaded.  I walked over to the register to clock in and everything just rushed to my head at once. I blanked out and all I could hear was my breathing, my heart pounding, my legs felt heavy, I felt the sweat coming off from my forehead, as this was happening I was trying to call out to my manager but she was busy working with Juan our handyman. Soon I found myself on the floor, later I forced myself up and walked over to my boss and told her I needed to sit down and I wasn’t feeling well. So I sat down for a good 5 mins, stood back up and went over to make some mocha syrup, then the feeling came back again. I couldn’t feel my hands and I felt really stuck and slow.. my boss immediatly asked me if I dropped, first thought I told her ” Yeah I collapsed on the floor.” she said no, ” Did you drop E.” I was like.. “WTF no.” weird for her to ask me that. Nonetheless I walked home and called the store for reassurance that I’m home safely. Later I’m meeting up with Monique and Ligia for girl time and were going to UC(Smoke Eaters).

I feel pressured. I feel insecured. I feel alone. I feel hopeless. I feel scared. I feel lost. I feel numb. I FEEL STUCK! What to do, I don’t know! I just want to scream it out. I’m holding this secret for so long and I need help now! Fuck, I’m gunna cry myself to sleep. I have work at 10 tomorrow morning. Nyquil will help me sleep like a baby tonight, hopefully I won’t wake up with puffy eyes tomorrow. BYE!