One thing that I hate about myself is the lack of ability to speak my mind. I keep so much to myself now-a-days and it’s beginning to build in me. It’s struggling because all I want to do these days is be a couch potato, read my books, isolate myself from my friends, searching and then running out of excuses to not leave the house, and it’s all happening too quickly. I don’t know why I have the feelings that I do, all I know is, I’m pushing everyone away from me, easily. I don’t want to party anymore, I don’t want to break the rules, I don’t want to be under peer pressure, I just want to be Julie when she was considered the sweet, innocent, big hearted young lady.

I was at work today(TapEx) and after coming back from my quick break, one of my managers quickly blurted out ” Julie, you’re a baddd girl.” Looking straight at her I knew exactly what she was reffering to. I’m disgusted by how people can quickly jump to conclusions when they see a girl with a long ciggarette sticked between her fingers. How they quickly assume that, I’m a horrible kid. I hate how some of my friends think I’m a bad influence, I don’t ever smoke infront of you. Despite the fact that I knew what your reactions would be when I were to do so.  I have my reasons to why I smoke. You weren’t there for me when I had to deal with my brother which was the hardest to overcome, school that kept me stressing on the question of graduating, losing my job, my parents relationship and how much they were destress on my brother’s survival, keeping up in Idance and learning the routines on top of my problems outside school walls. NO ONE understood what I went through. So you don’t have ANY right to judge me. If you’re not mature enough to understand, maybe you should just keep your distance from me. Because I might rub on you..whatever. I’m tired of making everyone happy. I feel the pressure to keep my parents proud of me because I’m the oldest and I should be a better role model to my brothers, keeping Ms. Dodd happy when I was in high school and making her proud of me because I was one of her soloist, keeping my younger brother sane and loving him unconditionally because he needs to know that his family is 150% here for him, but mainly because I’m his sister and I want to, trying to be the best co-worker/employee and please my boss so I don’t lose my job, all this time I was trying to make everyone happy but one person. Myself. I’m in desperate need to be happy too.

It’s hard enough to believe I’ll be fine without you, but to have the weight of our peers on my shoulders is unbearable. I never meant to hurt him; my safe harbor. Espicially the duration of my multiple attempts to fall in love again. Everyone only sees what was right infront of them, me playing the bad guy; always hurting Mark. Mark playing the nice guy and always cattering to my many needs. Although they never saw the struggle I went through to feel the same for him. You’ll never understand what went on in the ridiculous head of mine, but one thing for sure, I never tried to hurt him intentionally. It pained me to see him like this each time I “dumped him”. But then you would ask ” Why the fuck do you keep leading him on?!” We both wanted to stay best friends and be there for each other, but for some fucking reason we always find eachother rekindling our relationship. Everytime this comes around, we come up with a different stratgey to fight for the love we both wanted, and eachtime this brings up, my mind is set that we can make this work and that It’s different and I’m happy. But out of my control, my feelings fade and no matter how hard and I want to have them, I just dont have the ability for it. I guess you can note that I’m emotionally attached to him, but I can never be truly happy to linger around any longer. Everyone knows that our relationship is complicated but they have no fucking idea how much work it is. I just wished that I could careless about what everyone else was thinking and just feel satisfied enough because I know what I did this time was right. Even if it means we can’t be friends.

I’m sorry best friend that you out of all people have to deal with me right now. I know I’m a handful to be around. I don’t know how to be myself anymore. I continually isolate myself because I don’t feel comfortable to be around others. I don’t want to be the reason you hold off all your plans and keep you from have your fun. I appreciate you.